


Oops, my heart went...Fuck

by Smolbluefangirl



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Crimes & Criminals, F/M, Gore, Mentions Of Miscarrige, Minor Injuries, Pregnancy, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:41:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22887238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smolbluefangirl/pseuds/Smolbluefangirl
Summary: Y/N is the newest on the BAU team, and has a bone to pick with a certain genius. What was supposed to be a one night stand turned into a new coworker that is far too talkative and nosy. Well it turns into a few other things but that's for a later date, right?
Relationships: Spencer Reid/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. Never been on a plane before?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I have never written a self insert fanfiction so i'm sorry if this looks like a mess or is cringey. I don't have anyone to correct my mistakes so please be gentle with me. Yeah I know is kind of predictable but like, I'm learning. Also warnings if you have tokophobia (fear of pregnancy) this is not your fanfiction!!   
> Any blood & death does not occur to main characters, just the different crimes discussed in the fanfiction   
> Love ya'll <3

Today sucked, it sucked absolute balls. You were supposed to be getting on a plane today, for the first time in your life, may you add. However you were currently on your knees over the womens toilet. Less than five minutes after a tiny snack, barely three bites of granola bar. Your nerves were a hundred percent going off the charts and it was clearly going to keep you from all snacks. “Y/N, hey are you in here, it’s almost time to leave”. JJ’s footsteps echoed off the bathroom walls. “Yeah. yeah i’ll be right out J”, you sighed. You really were hoping she would walk back out, no such luck. There was a hand on your shoulder, “Hey Y/N, are you okay, do you need to go home sick?” You shook your head, getting to your feet. “I’m good, just nervous”. 

She cocked an eyebrow at your answer, “about what Y/N, the case?” Ah yes, you had conveniently withheld that fact that you had never been on a plane before in your life. “Yeah, it’ll just be weird”, you sighed following her out of the bathroom. You grabbed your bag off of your chair on the way out of the office. 

The closer you got to the plane itself the weaker your arms felt, and the further your stomach dropped. God it was so loud. You must have stopped walking at some point because you heard another voice behind you. “Hey Y/N, you have to get all the way on the plane before we can leave”. You whipped your head around to see Derek and Reid walking towards the plane. The last person you wanted to see right now, Reid. You turned back around without a word, hurrying onto the loud ass plane and sitting across from Hotch. He looked up briefly from his paper, “Y/N, you look unwell, are you alright to be tagging along”. You rolled your eyes and nodded, “can you keep a secret”. Hotch set his papers down, looking a bit more interested than before. “As long as no federal laws were broken, yes”. You laughed a bit and shook your head. 

“I’ve never flown before.” He shook his head incredulously, “You’re kidding, that’s not possible”. You sighed burying your face in your arms, you wished you were kidding. Before anything else could be said, the rest of the team boarded the plane. The door shutting made you jump, encouraging Hotch to gently pat you on the shoulder. That wasn’t much help when the plane started moving. Everyone had to stay seated at this point so there wasn’t really a hide in the bathroom option. Hotch leaned in to speak quietly, “Y/N, are you going to be okay?”

Before you could respond the plane started down the runway, fast. You buried your face deeper into your arms, feeling anxiety well up in your chest. How was everyone talking so calmly? The plane finally caught air and you had no choice. You were out of your seat and in the bathroom in record time. There wasn’t much to get rid of, so it was mostly dry heaving. Dry Heaving sucked absolute dick however. There was a frantic knocking at the door and the sound of Hotch’s voice. “Y/N, Y/N, what's wrong, open the door”. You managed to gag out some bullshit about food poisoning. That seemed to silence the currently growing chorus of voices outside the door. Other than your least favorite one right now, that had just spouted out, “You know one in ten people get food poisoning each year and about Four Hundred and twenty thousand of those people die.”


	2. Of course I've been on a plane before!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're still on a plane, and you still hate it. Oh and to top it off, motion sickness & fighting with boy genius. Does it get any better?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen this may be loosely based off of my first plane ride at age 19 okay? Let me project in peace

It was thirty minutes before you could walk back out and take a seat, but your face still burned when Hotch handed you a water bottle and a concerned look. Thankfully everyone stayed in their own conversations, not starring but the glances still occurred. The repeat offender was Reid, who’s face had somehow managed to look concerned and smug at the same time. When he finally looked away your phone buzzed in your lap. You tried to keep a straight face as you checked it but you couldn't help looking irritated when you saw his name pop up on your phone.

Reid (dickhead)  
So what is it really, because you don’t have food poisoning  
2:18

Thanks boy genius, I know, I’ve been sick all morning  
2:19

Reid (dickhead)   
It’s nerves, 25% of people in america are scared of planes  
2:20  
I’m not scared of planes, thank you very much  
2:20  
Reid (dickhead)  
That was quick and defensive. First time on a plane can  
be rough though, I understand.  
2:20  
I’ve been on a plane before asshole.   
2:21  
Reid (dickhead)  
No you haven’t, but don’t worry I won’t   
tell anyone. Try chewing gum it helps.  
2:22

You shoved your phone in your bag and turned your attention to a case file instead of Reid. A pregnant woman, murdered in her own home. An attempt to remove the baby had been made. This was the third woman this month, that they’d found that is. The photos made your stomach flip, and you face heat up. You quickly closed the folder back up, as the pilot announced the landing. As if your seat hadn’t been buckled the whole time. Your phone dinged again.

Reid (dickhead)   
Don’t puke again, I think Hotch only brought one suit with him. 

You slammed your phone on the table, and rolled your eyes. This must have not been out of ordinary because only JJ slightly glanced up. 

Plane landings sucked too, but they were better than take off. However the best part was getting the hell off that plane. You sighed tossing your bag into the back of one of the cars, that would have been more enjoyable if Reid hadn’t been up your ass the entire flight. How did he even know you had never been on a plane? Being part of the BAU, you knew everyone was pretty good at telling when people are nervous but you figured they’d all just accept the idea that you just didn’t like planes. You shook your head, trying to leave that train of thought behind you. The air conditioning was so nice on your skin you didn’t bother figuring out who you were in the car with until it started moving. 

“Now that the flight is over you should probably eat something, the heat is going to make you sick.” you audibly sighed, opening your eyes to a surprisingly concerned Reid. “Wow, I didn’t know you were capable of an attitude other than condescending”. He rolled his eyes, “Y/N just because you have some sort of grudge against me doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” He kept his eyes on the road but they occasionally flicked towards you. “Well I wouldn’t have a grudge if you didn’t one night stand me”. He huffed, awkwardly adjusting himself in the seat. Yes, that was your beef with Spencer Reid. He had taken you home after a party, assuming you were just a secretary, and then ghosted you. It was tense to say the least when you showed up to work after that weekend. “I told you Y/N, I didn’t want to get over involved with someone from the office, if I knew you were my coworker I wouldn’t have done it at all”. 

Ouch, okay, so was he really just that desperate to get laid? “Well, Spencer, I’m glad to know it wasn’t my personality that charmed you into my pants”. He started to say something before you cut him off. “I don’t want to keep talking about this, how far away are we?” He glanced at the phone on the dashboard, “Twenty minutes, Y/N, you’re taking this too seriously”. You leaned back rolling your eyes,and started mocking him. “You’re taking this too seriously,” you said in an obnoxious voice. He didn’t respond but the acceleration said he wanted to be the hell out of this car too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bro i have never been so happy that my formatting stuck, writing out those texts was a fucking personal hell experience. Anyway, enjoy


	3. Mom and dad???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh the cliches the horrible cliches  
> Enjoy more of You and Reid being argumentative lil shits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is written so weird im sorry, i literally hate this but I cant stop writing

You and Reid had managed to show up last to the station you were to set up at. He basically threw himself out of the car. If you hadn’t been so heated, you might have laughed about it. Was the mocking him was definitely a childish move but god did it result in a very blissful car ride. You got out of the car and watched Reid storm past Derek, who honestly, was just trying to say hi. You walked over to him, giving him a sympathetic look, “Sorry about that, I think I pissed him off”. Derek playfully pushed you into the building, “You know Y/N, you seem to do that a lot”. You shrugged and hurried in to listen to Hotch.

“It’s a woman, probably someone who lost a child or is unable to have a child”, you had caught the beginning of the team brainstorming. “A recent stresser happened, towards the beginning of the month, when everything started.” There was a pause and Reid began to interject,”isn’t there a possibility that there was no stresser, just a surge of motherly feelings and the lack of a partner to start a pregnancy?” That was the dumbest thing you had ever heard. “Doubt it, it’s easy to take a man home, more than likely drunk, and get pregnant.” He turned to give you another dirty look, that you ignored, per the usual. “She more than likely suffered a miscarrige and is suffering from the delusion that she can pass off a baby she had.” You held back a gag, much to your embarrassment, “That she had cut out of the mother, but it seems that she’s not very educated on the ages of the fetuses or she doesn’t know the victims well enough to know how far along they are.” 

Derek nodded in agreement, “Y/N is right, this lady doesn’t seem organized at all, there is a good chance she may also be suffering in her relationship, trying to use a baby to save something that isn’t going to work, with or without a child.” Hotch interjected, “so probably a woman, late thirties who doesn't qualify for fertility treatment, she could definitely afford it though. She is probably pretty well versed in children but she doesn’t get to know her victims enough to know how far along they are, so she guesses”. He sighed looking back down at the pictures, “Guys head out to the different crime scenes, Y/N and Reid stay here”. Derek laughed as he walked away “somebody is in trouble”. You rolled your eyes so hard you probably saw your brain.

“You two have a different, well part, in this”. Of course you would be thrown in with Reid, why the fuck not. “Y/N and you are going to be playing parents, new in town browsing everything to do with babies”. You nearly objected but Hotch made a face that kept your protest silent. “Boutiques, stores, classes, all of it, I want you there. We have a fake house set if anyone wants to come over.” You nodded, your sister had three about to be four kids, you had done all of this with her every time. Your mom wasn’t anywhere to be found so you had her back through all of the pregnancies. “Hotch, I know little to nothing about children, I doubt Y/N knows much more, but she could do this on her own anyhow”. You scoffed at him, glaring, “First of all I’ve walked with my sister through four pregnancies, secondly if you bothered to read the profile, this woman has targeted only married women, from middle upper class families, where is the stupid fucking fake stomach Hotch”. He pointed to a side office with a confused look on his face and you walked off, mumbling about Reid ruining your first out of office assignment in the three months you’d been in the BAU. “What in the world did you do to piss Y/N off so bad”,was the last thing you heard before slamming the door behind you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these get longer i swear


	4. Possibly Russian, maybe just weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N is now getting a new addition to make her more appealing to....a serial killer who tries to kidnap fetuses. cool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally still suck at writing so enjoy this weird self insert

This was the weirdest experience you had ever been through, weird enough to pretty much erase your bad mood. You had a woman measuring your stomach, and another one watching from afar taking in your, what had she called it, proportions? “So how far along are you really?” Your head snapped down to look at her, “far along, I’m not anywhere along, I’m not pregnant”. She looked surprised and sort of embarrassed. You instantly felt bad for being so snippy. “Don’t worry, it’s I’m stress eating lately, it’s my first time out on the field”. She chuckled and nodded, “ I do that more often than I like to admit, I hope you didn’t take offense”. You shook your head, trying to hold still so lady number two didn’t lose track of your proportions or whatever. “No, I think getting pregnant is just like, my worst fear”. She nodded and gave you an understanding look. “Okay now we put on a fake belly, it is designed to stay on but be adjusted every couple of days, this one shows about five months, depending on how long this takes, we may have to slowly go bigger”. She started attaching it to your abdomen, it was pretty big for your body size, you thought giving it a weird look. The other woman seemed to notice. “ You are a small girl, typically, your belly would look much bigger given your size”. You nodded, made enough sense, and hey she was the professional.

About five minutes in and your feet were killing you and so was your back, this thing already was weighing on you, given you didn’t really have time to adjust to the new weight. “Okay sit backwards on the chair so I can secure the back”. You were glad to plop down on the plastic chair, you know, the kind you sit on in middle school. She laughed, “You know food baby makes this easier on you, less fake belly, keep eating, you can always work it off later”. The second woman nodded in agreement, “it will make your back hurt less and it will be easier to stay on your feet without the extra weight.” Again, they were the professionals, and you weren’t one to turn down snacks”. “Sounds like a plan to me, anything else?”

“Yes, you have to act pregnant, you know”. The second woman had sat in front of you, “a bit more serious. “You protect the bump, you act nervous for your first child, and whoever is playing dad, you are protective over them.” Great, that’s the last thing you wanted with Reid. “Ah speaking of, we have the fake ring, unmarried or single moms get a lot of shit around here”. She grabbed your hand, putting on an unreasonably fancy ring, something you would never wear. Before you could ask more questions there was pat on your back “all done, stand up let's make sure you don’t look like an alien”. You laughed, standing up, a little unsteady due to the new weight. “Okay okay, pull the shirt down now”. You nodded, sort of glad you wore a stretchy blouse today. “Yes, you look very pregnant, look at you,” she laughed. You caught a glance of yourself in the blinded window and felt extremely anxious. God, you could never, thank the lord for fake bellies. “Okay now we find Hotch and fake dad,” they said, walking out the office door. You followed them, every step feeling very much awkward. 

“Alright, Y/N is now twenty-two weeks and three days, and walking like a duck”, the woman laughed. You put your hand over your chest and gave a fake look of hurt, “wow, I see how it is”. When you looked back up Hotch and Reid were both giving you weird looks. “Uh hey, staring is weird and this was your idea”. The woman laughed, having moved on to adjusting Reid’s clothes and shoving a ring on his finger. “So you are the fake father, listen closely”. She was cut off by Reid starting to talk about pregnancy facts. She put her hand directly over his mouth and you laughed. “No, facts mean nothing, you need to read up on the emotional connection and protectiveness, she is to look cared for and protected, or you will give up your cover”. You were still biting your lip so you didn’t laugh at the scene in front of you. Hotch was slightly smiling at the scene as well. “Alright alright, head out you two, start baby shopping, here’s your new address and a card to buy the things with.” Before either of you could speak you were being shooed out of the department. There was a sigh next to you, “I guess we better get to know each other”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry you had to read this mess

**Author's Note:**

> I know this one is short but they're longer as I go, work with me here!


End file.
